


I Can't Be Who You Are

by Gage



Series: The Road So Far [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22403848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gage/pseuds/Gage
Summary: It’s the burning building all over again… suddenly everything stops.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: The Road So Far [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605493
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	I Can't Be Who You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if this was beta'd or not but enter at your own risk.

* * *

Buck should have seen this coming, he tried so hard to keep his temper from flaring. This is their third call where he’s still being walled out, it’s subtle but it feels like a knife in his gut. Eddie’s answering his phone in the truck on their way out. He wouldn’t have picked up if it hadn’t been important, and it’s only a short conversation later but Buck is left wondering how fast things have deteriorated between them. Christopher’s playdate had been canceled and the other sitter couldn’t pick him up from school. It was on the tip of Buck’s tongue to offer to pick Chris up, as his shift ended earlier than Eddie’s today. It physically hurts when he sees Eddie starts texting Abuela Isa, asking if she could pick him up instead. Buck can feel this cold pressure shifting around in his chest as he turns to look out the window. He blinked back tears because he knows if he lets them loose, there would be questions. Questions he’s sure he’s not ready to answer just yet. 

Their destination is a building whose two middle floors have been set ablaze. Cap is quick to call out commands, and just like that Buck is in work mode. He doesn’t even realize that he’s following Eddie into the building and up the stairs, it’s as natural as breathing the way they work together. Even if Eddie is a little short with him. Buck knows that when they’re out here everyone has to toe the line, but even when they’re at their normal selves Eddie would go that extra mile to make sure their communication was kept open and on point. It makes his heart feels like there’s some sort of vice squeezing around it, every time Eddie keeps his answers short, barely even looks at him unless he needs too. 

It happens when they’re clearing the floor where the blaze has already been handled. Buck can see Hen just ahead of them, and something feels wrong. Buck can’t explain the way his heart picks up as he looks around for whatever it is that is setting him off. He can see Eddie turning towards him a frown on his face. They both look up as something cracks in the ceiling, and it’s like everything around him slows down. Debris starts to breaks, large pieces start to fall and Buck can see it's going to do more than just bury Hen. Buck flings his hand out calling for his friend, heart racing as the ceiling above her comes down. There’s an unsettling sting behind his eyes, like heat building up despite the fact that his mask has been protecting him. The heat moves through his body, and just for a moment, he can feel it move through his arm and down his hand. 

Buck doesn't remember what happened in between, one moment Hen is standing under the falling debris the next she's a few feet away, tumbling to the floor. In a flash Chimney is in the room, running to her side where she’s pulling herself up. Buck is bent over, hands on his knees trying to breathe in, his heart is beating way too fast, it feels like something is squeezing it. His head feels like it’s spinning in different directions. A strong arm wraps around his waist hauling him out of the room and down the hall. Buck vaguely hears Cap demanding them to call out. The last thing Buck sees is the concern in Eddie’s eyes shining down at him, before he blacks out. 

~*~ 

When Buck comes to it to the sound of an EKG machine, echoing around the room. Damn. He's really starting to hate this, especially when he finds Cap asleep in the chair closest to his bed. Buck frowns, wondering how long he’d really been out of it. Buck didn't think his fainting spell warranted a hospital stay. The door opens up and in walks Hen and Chimney, and as it swings shut Buck tries to hide his disappointment that Eddie isn't with them. “Hey Buckaroo.” 

Buck sits up and their hands are surrounding him pushing him back down on the bed before he can even say anything. “Whoa there, take it easy, you’ve been out for three days.” 

“What?” Buck doesn’t feel like he’s been out of it for that long. He feels fine, aside from being a little confused, and the last thing he remembers was Hen standing under the cracked ceiling. Buck looks at her now, standing by the side of the bed, eyes filled with concern for him. 

“Mr. Buckley,” There’s a doctor entering the room, glancing around the room. “And friends, how are we feeling today?” 

“Lost…” He pushes himself into a sitting position, glances down at his hands, their small abrasions on them he doesn’t remember how he got those either. “I’ve been here for three days?” 

“Yes.” 

Buck looks at his friends, and back down at his hands, the abrasions are gone. He quickly crosses his arms, hiding his hands. As the doc starts asking questions he tries to answer as best he can. His friends filling in the gaps of his memory, saying that the broken ceiling had let gas into the room. That’s why Eddie hauled him out so fast. He’d passed out on the way down and they had to load him in the ambulance. For three days his friends waited for him to wake up. Buck’s mind is reeling as the implications start to trickle down. 

“I’m telling you I feel fine.” 

“Mr. Buckley, your blood test... these symptoms present a serious case of anemia.” 

“I’m not... ” Buck can feel his irritation build-up, it starts as an itch under his skin. “I’m telling you I feel fine, I’m not dizzy, I’m not tired. I feel like I can run from here to Pacific Vista.” It’s mostly true, there are no aches or pains, no tingling in his body. Even the surgical site on his legs doesn’t give him any trouble. 

“Be that as it may, I recommend staying another few nights for observation.” 

“ _No_.” He’s had enough of hospital stays to last a lifetime. If he stays here he’s going to go out of his mind. 

“Buck,” Cap’s tone carries a warning but he doesn’t wanna hear it. 

Castiel had told him something like this would happen if he did too much too fast. Buck doesn’t know exactly what exactly he did in that room but it was enough to send him into a deep sleep. 

~*~ 

It took way too long to convince the doctor that he was fine. It took even longer to convince Cap and the other’s he was good to be on his own. Buck needed time to think, and he couldn’t do that surrounded by irritating but well-meaning friends. Being told to once again take it easy, that his shifts for a few days would be covered by someone else. So here he is standing by the kitchen counter, anger stirring inside of him as he ignores the buzzing of his phone. Missed calls from both Maddie and Eddie. There are two shot glasses half-empty in front of him. He’s reaching out, fingers skimming the surface of the first one. 

... _fingers skimming one of the glasses, the whiskey swirls into a dark color before settling back into its original color_ …

Buck had done that, he’d poisoned the drink with a touch of his fingers. He hadn’t even needed to touch the liquid, it had somehow seeped through. He hadn’t even remembered doing so until now. If he could do that without thinking, what the hell else could he do if he tried? Buck peers down at the amber-colored liquid, eyes narrowing down. There’s a strange kind of sting behind his eyes. 

“You know when they told me you discharge yourself from the hospital, I thought… no way is Buck _that_ stupid.” 

Eddie. 

Talk about bad timing. Buck closes his eyes tight, willing the heat to dissipate. It’s a lot harder than he thought, and by the time he feels it goes down to a small flame inside of him, Eddie has walked around the counter. 

“Cause if he were, that would mean he wasn’t _thinking_ straight.”

Bucks eyes flutter open, he has his back to the door and essentially to Eddie. Forcing whatever this was, to back down seemed to have taken a piece of him, his breath away. He moves to the side, away before Eddie could touch him. The last thing he needs is to accidentally hurt him. 

“What the hell’s going on with you.” 

Buck knows that Eddie is confused, angry even, but that accusing tone grates on his nerves. “I’m fine.” It’s another lie, and it hurts to do so. 

“Is that what you’ve been telling yourself.” Eddie’s closer now and it’s making him nervous. “You’ve been jumpy, scattered, angry for days. This isn’t like you.” 

“Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you _think_ you do.” Buck was sounding like a kid, and the worst part was that he was doing it on purpose. The truth was he was scared, this choice he made was affecting his entire life, and not exactly for the better. 

“I know you well enough to know when you’re keeping something from me… Buck, baby talk to me.” Eddie’s anger has melted into concern, and it’s filling the space between them. Is that something he could sense now? 

“I don’t…” He couldn’t bring himself to lie anymore, in his heart he knew that it wouldn’t do any good. “I can’t…” his voice breaks and everything he’s been holding back is slowly trickling out. It hurts to keep things from the man he loves when he knows all he has to do is just tell him. There’s this weird pressure building up in his chest, it’s heat spreading down and around. Like it’s looking for a way out, and Buck can’t let that happen. “You need to go.” He manages to grit out, moving closer to the window, further away from Eddie. 

“What. No, I’m not leaving you like this.” The idiot sounds so determined to stay. 

Buck shuts his eyes tight as he feels the heated sting fill them again. “Get _out_.” 

“Are you kidding me right now?” There’s that indignant tone he knows so well.

Buck’s heart is racing with the same feeling he had in the blazing building. The heat is moving through his body, up around his chest, and pushing down his arms. Buck curls his fingers into a fist as if that would keep it in. There are tears slipping down his face. “Eddie please… _go_ home.” 

“Buck, turn around.” 

He shakes his head, his entire body trembling with the effort to keep still. He wouldn’t hurt Eddie with whatever this was. 

“I _know_ something’s changed with you, I’ve known for a while now.” Eddie sounds a hell of a lot closer than he was before. “Whatever it is, it’s hurting you.” 

Understatement of the century. Buck feels like he’s gonna vibrate apart at this point. It’s starting to ache, holding this all in. He feels a cool hand rest on the back of his neck, for a moment he feels relief. 

“Let me help you…”

The heat rears up. Buck is crying out as he shoves Eddie away, hard enough that he sees the minute Eddie’s feet leave the floor as he flies across the room. It’s the burning building all over again… suddenly everything stops. The air in his apartment seems to cool down. There’s someone else standing by his side, fingers pressed against his temple, another hand stretched out. 


End file.
